New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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