My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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