i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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