I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
