He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
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Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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