I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The ass gains better be worth it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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