I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
