watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
should my penis look like a turkey
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
