dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my vag is so smooth its legendary
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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