Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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