I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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