the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
