so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
