I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
