i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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