Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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