Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He did a backflip because drugs
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
