accomplished twins. life is a go
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
