My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
