well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
