Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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