the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
