So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
