There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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