I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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