just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Please don't give away my fajitas
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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