Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
