Already got asked if we're dating
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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