I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
