Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
