The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
