My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
