Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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