shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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