those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Randomize
