She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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