: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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