those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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