I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
