But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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