I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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