I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
