Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
