btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
