I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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