what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i drank out of a bidet.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
