Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
