Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i need some magic done to my vagina
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
