I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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