Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
