I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
