he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just blew my weed a kiss
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
