Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
