You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
