textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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