def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
