You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
