You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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