I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?