3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
