there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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