4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
