Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
