and my herpes radar will keep us safe
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
