she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
