i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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