I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
