I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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