I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
