The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
