I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
