I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
