Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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